


pretending he's okay

by butzichen



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 09:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17322572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butzichen/pseuds/butzichen
Summary: a little one-shot with Caitlin's POV when Barry "dies" in 5x07





	pretending he's okay

**Author's Note:**

> 5x07 gave us so much, but the thing that really bothered me was Barry basically dying and Caitlin just checked his vitals on a screen, very ooc, so here's my version of that scene :)

“We lost him.”

Even though she’s the one who said the words, her mind is refusing to accept it. Frozen, Caitlin looks away from the screen, unable to stomach the sight of Barry's vitals flatlined; shutting down her emotions, not listening to Nora’s screams, because this isn’t happening, not again, not ever again, …

Blinking Barry’s vitals reappear on the screen. He’s alive.  
She lets out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. Her fingers move to the screen on their own accord, checking and rechecking every vital, every data the Flash suit is picking up. He’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay, she keeps repeating this mantra in her mind as her hands itch to make sure. To touch, no to examine him as soon as he arrives back in Starlabs and to feel his heartbeat for herself, not just having to rely on a reading from a machine. Make sure his heartbeat is regular, make sure his pupils are normal, make sure…

But her mental checkup is interrupted by voices coming from the hallway. Barry and Nora’s voices, arguing. “I promise I’m okay,” Barry’s trying to reassure Nora. She knows he doesn’t want to worry her and if she insists on examining him right now, they’ll achieve the opposite. So pushing her worries down, way way down, she takes a deep breath, ready to answer Nora’s “Caitlin?” in a steady voice. “His vitals are stable, speed healing to the rescue.” She gives Nora a soft comforting smile but has to put her hands together to keep them from fidgeting. 

As Nora and Iris are fighting about what just happened, her eyes flicker all over Barry, examining what she can from afar, trying to stay rooted to the spot and not rush over to convince herself that he’s indeed okay. Her eyes finally settle on his chest, the slow rising and falling making it easier for her to breathe as well. She’s slowly matching her breathing to his, calming herself. But she won’t have to pretend for much longer, the moment Nora leaves, she’s going to insist to do a checkup, just to make sure, she had to make sure. 

“Maybe someone else should be making our decisions.” Though Caitlin had only been listening with one ear to their fight, Nora’s latest comment catches her attention. She quickly casts her eyes down, pressing her lips together, so her reaction doesn’t show on her face. A smile tucking at her, despite herself. Nora did like to call Iris out and a part of Caitlin couldn’t help but agree with her. But she slowly turns around, not wanting to get involved in that discussion. At least Barry seems to understand where Nora’s coming from.  
Maybe it had been a bad idea, not insisting on examining him right away, maybe playing it cool actually made things worse. In trying to reassure Nora by pretending everything was fine, they might have made her feel like she’s overreacting.

She looks up, hopeful, when she feels Barry stepping next to her, now with Nora gone, she could finally…  
“In the meantime, where did that storm come from,” Barry asks all business. Caitlin reigns in her expression. Could she be the only one pretending, were the others really fine with this?  
Or maybe they just trusted her blindly, she said he was okay, so he must be okay. And her mind knows that he is okay, but her body, her emotions still need to be convinced. But for now, she focuses her attention back on Cisco’s explanations.  
“A storm like that, coming and going, disappearing in a matter of minutes, it shouldn’t be possible.” “Unless someone was making it possible,” she voices her suspicions. Sensing Barry’s eyes on her, she looks up at him, trying not to let her emotions show. “I mean, we’ve seen that before,” she elaborates but quickly evades Barry’s glance. She couldn’t look at him, if she did, her composure would break and she would drag him off to the med bay this very second. And the others will certainly declare her insane if she does so in the middle of them figuring out what is happening with the storm. 

Surely, she will find a moment afterwards to get Barry alone. She can still feel his eyes on her, clearly, he must know she would want to examine him, but he probably doesn’t want Iris to worry either or make her feel bad, Caitlin just has to hold off for a few more minutes. 

“Let’s make sure he’s doing just that,” she hears Barry saying. What? Is he actually planning on going to Iron Heights to see Mark Mardon right now? Just like that? He’s going to leave without… Her eyes search his, alight with worry. Though he only looks at her for a split second, for a speedster it is long enough, because the moment his hand touches her elbow, time slows around them.

They are in Flash time. 

“Hey, are you okay?” he wonders searching her eyes worriedly. 'Am I okay?' But she can’t form any words, she just stares at him, wrapping her mind around this. They’re finally alone, in a manner of speaking, and she doesn’t have to pretend anymore…

Feeling the tension leave her body, she shakes her head. “No,” she whispers, ”of course I’m not okay.” She looks up at him. “You died! How do you expect me to be okay?” He rubs her arm gently. “But I’m fine, you said so yourself, my vitals are stable.” 

A scoff escapes her lips before she stares at him angrily. “Yes, that’s what I said, because I followed your lead, you didn’t want to worry Nora, so I didn’t want to worry her. But I only know what a machine told me, and you died, you literally died. You didn’t think I would want to examine you myself, convince myself that you are indeed fine, that your heartbeat is back to normal? My worst nightmare came true and you think I’m okay with just checking your vitals on a screen?” her voice breaks as her angry tirade slowly dissolves back to worry and pain, tears forming in her eyes.  
“I’m not okay Barry, I’ve been holding on by a thread, waiting for Nora to leave, waiting for the time when I will be allowed to make sure and… and you just want to leave.” Tears start strolling down her face, as her emotions completely catch up with her, threatening to drown her. 

In one swift moment, Barry wraps his arms around her, pulling her close. “I’m sorry, Cait,“ he murmurs into her hair, “I’m so so sorry.” Feeling his warmth around her does soothe her, but it’s the steady heartbeat she can hear and feel under his chest that finally calms her down for good. 

“I was so wrapped up pretending that what happened wasn’t a big deal, I think I was trying to fool myself as well, jumping right back in, not wanting to let it become real, just pretending it never happened,” he explains slowly, rubbing his hands gently up and down her back.  
“You don’t have to pretend with me,” she smiles through her tears, slowly stepping out of the embrace, wiping away her tears. “I know,” he murmurs softly, still one hand on her elbow, “I’m really sorry.” 

“Do you still want to do an examination?” She shakes her head slowly. “It’s okay, I know now that you’re alright. I felt it,” she replies smiling up at him. He nods returning her smile gingerly. They just look at each other for a little while, before Barry finally breaks their connection.

“Let us know if any other weather anomalies pop up on the radar,” he instructs them before heading off with Iris, his eyes lingering on Caitlin just a moment longer.


End file.
